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February Linkables

Babes, it's the end of winter. Okay, it might not feel like the end of winter temperature wise but the sun is beginning to shine through, and it's now sort of light when I leave work. We're getting there.

I hope you've had an incredible start to the year and everything is shaping up well. Goal-wise, I'm keeping on top on my housework, I'm swimming once (sometimes twice) a week, I've attempted a few trickier recipes (with varying results), and empowering some great books on social justice!

Ready for the first Linkables of the year? Let's go!

You might roll your eyes at the idea of a long-term singleton dishing out relationship advice. But I've witnessed multiple couples fuck up over the same things - so I am fully behind 8 relationship habits that will make everything easier, smoother, and more fun.

Related: 14 questions to ask your partner to make sure you're on the same page.

And, of course, I have a link associated with Valentine's Day: what is it like for asexuals and aromantics? 

I love self-improvement, but I don't love that it has become an industry that feeds off of people's insecurities and sells us products that do fuck all (juice cleanses, anyone?). Are We Improving Yourselves to Death? is an important article.

Related: Don't fall prey to the cult of wellness.

What everyone needs: Classic Album Covers with Cats.

The women killed by Jack the Ripper are finally having their stories told.

Hopefully, you'll never need this but if you do: How to survive gaslighting.

How to work with micro-influencers.

Yes! Can we stop recording ourselves doing good deeds, please?

A vegan's guide to reading food labels.

If you only read one thing, make it this: Why she doesn't just leave

Something local: a history of Glasgow's LGBT+ nightclubs and bars.

An analysis on British racism with a side slice of self-deprecating humour from Romesh Ranganathan.

What have you been reading this month? Send me your links! 
morag | mo adore
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I went to another clothes swap and now I need a mind dump on clothes waste, Marie Kondo, and providing women in crisis with free clothes

The dilemma goes something along the lines of:

"I have a wardrobe full of clothes but nothing to wear"

I'm not sure who said this or where I originally read it, but I know the feeling well. If you know me in real life you wouldn't consider me to be a clothes horse. But if you had a look through my wardrobe and chest of drawers you would probably think I was.

Until last August my bedroom was bursting at the seams. I still owned activewear from when I was a dancer during my time at university. Or from when I still tried to convince myself I was into running, which was a dark time. I still owned dresses that I haven't been able to fit into since I started a desk job. I owned shirts that I know longer like, or maybe never really did. I owned waist length t-shirts, even though I don't suit high necks or anything that draws attention to my mid-section. All the money I spent buying a new dress every time I went on a night out (yes, I was once one of those girls) was still hanging in my closet. Heels I was never able to walk in. Clothes I hadn't worn in years.

I owned more clothes than I owned coathangers, and I own plenty of coathangers (I bought beige for my work clothes and purple for everything else so I could easily separate my looks). I have a massive chest with four big drawers, and four small ones, brimming with underwear, accessories, sportswear, more general clothing, and my weirdly large pyjama collection. Even better, I never put my laundry away because I needed my drying rack as extra storage space.

This, my friends, is when you know you need to have a clear out.

Last August I was approaching the year mark of an anniversary where I ruffled some feathers and decided to stop caring what people thought of me (also known as ridding my life of toxic people and coming out of the closet). With this anniversary looming, I had the sudden urge to rid myself of physical belongings that represented the version of myself that I thought I was supposed to be, or the person other people wanted me to be.

I started by admitting that a few things needed to go to landfill. Which always sucks. But there's not exactly a second-hand market for broken GHDs, shoes with holes in them, and water bottles with corporate logos. Then I packed up the athletic and outdoorsy stuff that was mostly on lend from my genuinely outdoorsy parents and gave it back to my mum the next time she visited. The only sport I enjoy is swimming and it was time to own that.

Then in November I attended my first ever clothes swap, hosted by ethical fashion blogger Ruth Macgilp. I blogged about the day here, so there's no need to go into detail. I only took one small suitcase full of clothes that I really wanted rid of. But when I returned home with new clothes that I was genuinely excited to start wearing, I could now see even more clutter in my bedroom (and I still had more clothes than I did coathangers).

So last week when I attended Ruth's second clothes swap, I was ruthless. I was attending the International Improv Festival later that day and didn't want to lug a suitcase around so I filled my rucksack and two large shopping bags with clothes that served no purpose in my life. And it felt cathartic, especially since I was finally accepting my body would never be slim enough for some of those clothes again.

This time the clothes swap was taking place at the ALICAS offices. ALICAS is a charity that builds capsule wardrobes for women in need, whether that is due to homelessness or fleeing domestic abuse. They work on a referral system from charities who agree that these women would benefit from a new wardrobe. They only collect clothes that still have the label on them so the women in need don't feel as though they are receiving hand me downs. Luckily I had a dress in my wardrobe that still had tags on it and it's a great way to get rid of clothes you were meant to return, but never got round to.

The work ALICAS do might seem frivolous at first glance, but many victims of homelessness and domestic abuse (especially emotional abuse) lose their sense of self, and clothes play a large part in shaping someone's self-identity. On the day of the clothes swap, we filled boxes for two of the charity's current referrals - which included information on the women's age, clothing sizes, and style preferences. These women were going to receive clothing that would fit their personalities and lifestyles, and that's fantastic.

On the day of the clothes swap, the conversation naturally gravitated towards Marie Kondo and how much she has inspired people to clean out their lives. I've not read her book or watched her Netflix documentary, but from what I've heard second-hand I agree with the principles. I have been in the mindset for years that the organisation or cleanliness of someone's house reflects their mental health and emotional wellbeing. I used to be terrible at not keeping on top of my housework, but that was because I was busy with too many random things that I couldn't make time for basic self-care. My room reflected how disorganised my life was.

And my hoarding tendencies (in case you missed it: I mentioned that I held on to a pair of broken GHDs) were reflective of my general attitude to filling my life with things that didn't bring happiness or had long outgrown. Whether it was having frenemies, people I liked but didn't get the !!!! feeling for, staying in romantic/sexual relationships for longer than I should, having hobbies that I wasn't super-passionate about, or even staying in the closet until my mid-twenties - I was never able to throw away even non-physical things.

But there has been understandable criticism that Marie Kondo is encouraging people to send half their belongings to landfill. Which is true. But the real problem is consumerism and people buying things they don't need. This also includes gifts you feel you need to buy someone, and they end up at the back of the closet for ten years. Until people learn to live with less in the beginning, we're going to have people throwing away stuff. The trick isn't to hoard (like I did) it's to think more sensibly about your purchases in the first place.

When I got home that evening, it was without my two large shopping bags and my rucksack was now full of new clothes that reflect my current outwards appearance:
  • A polka dot blazer from M&S
  • A tartan hooded dress from Collection Vintage London
  • A stripy long-sleeved jumper from Oasis 
  • A long t-shirt with eyes on it from Neon Ninja®
  • Burgandy and white skater dress from People Tree
And the best part of my second clothes swap?

I can now fit all my clothes in my wardrobe.

Move over Marie Kondo.
morag | mo adore
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Mini-reviews from the first Edinburgh Improv Fest (which ended a week ago...but future reference?)

Remember last August when I was super organised and published mini-reviews of Fringe shows with only five days left of the Fringe?

Well, I haven't learned my lesson.

Last weekend I attended the very first Edinburgh International Festival, and this weekend I'm publishing my mini-reviews on the performers. It's over. It's in the past. So you can't pop along and catch the end of it. But there were local improv groups there who perform regularly in Edinburgh and me writing these reviews has some purpose. If it becomes a yearly thing you'll know to go next year! Or maybe I just need a blog calendar that I stick to.

(If you're wondering "wtf is improv?" it's comedy that's made up on the spot....which is not as disorganised as it sounds. My friend is doing classes right now and there are techniques and psychology. The audience members are asked for suggested words, celebrities, locations etc, and the performers create something out of it. You've probably spotted stand-up comedians repeating material from time-to-time. That doesn't happen with improv.)

And uh, I was only there on Saturday. Sorry performers on Thursday, Friday and Sunday.

The Cutting Room (Edinburgh)

I've been familiar with The Cutting Room for a while, having heard incredible things about their performances at The Fringe (I've not been able to attend any of them. How do people narrow down their Fringe choices? I usually pull performances out of a hat or let my friends decide for me). I discovered on Saturday that they are worth the hype. They performed a typical Harold that managed to float between a hot dog eating competition, a 40-year-old woman having sex with goulash and posh Milton Keynes types getting a bit too rowdy over Crufts. 10/10, would see again.

Murder of Crows (Copenhagen)

When Murder of Crows took to the stage, they had a serious vibe to them. They were decked out in dapper suit trousers and white shirts (including the girls), the lights were dimmed red, and we were told they would be performing an improvised Art Noir piece. Art Noir isn't a film genre I tend to gravitate towards, so I was a mixture of intrigued and unsure. It worked so well in the end, with passive and sarcastic humour (my favourite) with plenty of gangster drama added in for good measure.

Tinderellas (Edinburgh)

The Tinderellas was the team that I was most excited to see. Their schtick is creating improv on audience dating stories and as someone who writes openly about their dating life online, you know this is up my street! They're also an all-female team so the feminist in me can get giddy. For their performance, they chose a format called The Living Room where the girls initiate a discussion between themselves (about dating) and then occasionally break into a storytelling scene. Their performance was personal and relatable, the girls came across as genuinely lovely, and their stories gave me a chuckle.

The A-Team (Los Angeles)

This was hands-down my favourite performance of the day. The A-Team, get this, create improvised musicals. Yes, they come up with a musical, based on audience suggestions, on the spot. I'm not going to pretend I wasn't cynical about this, but they really pulled it off. The talent on these guys is outstanding as not only did they have to create dialogue but they burst out into song (and some rap!) and there was even a guy playing the keyboard!

Carter & Murray (New York City)

This is the one I feel awkward reviewing just wasn't for me. I know creatively and intellectually it was a good performance that other people might enjoy. I've been to enough improv shows to know it was good improv. It just felt a little bit...low key in comparison to the other performances? After watching an improvised musical, art noir film, and some goulash sex...two guys doing a Harold just got a bit lost within everything else. Carter & Murray are a super big deal in NYC and were the headline act, so maybe don't listen to me.

The Improverts (Edinburgh)

The Improverts are the University of Edinburgh's improv team. After getting over how much their baby faces reminded me that I'm edging closer to 30 than I would like, I was excited to see their half-hour performance of short form improv. Short form, if you're unfamiliar, is like improv games where the performers have a clear structure to work from - and is my favourite to watch. I liked their performance. Wasn't blown away by it but I wouldn't be put off the Improv Fest again if they performed next year.

The Inheritance (Bristol/Glasgow)

One-half of this improv team is also two-thirds of the Glasgow team Couch. Couch was the very first improv team I ever saw live, and I've seen them multiple times since. This team was different enough that it didn't feel like the same thing I see almost monthly at Blackfriars. They started their performance by asking an audience member to come up on stage who they then proceeded to ask questions to, which would then form the basis of their performance. And then it moved into a traditional long-form performance. Similar to the Improverts, enjoyed it but not blown away by it.

Did you manage to swing by the Edinburgh International Improv Festival? Let me know your thoughts on it! 
morag | mo adore
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I wrote 4,000 words on what sexual consent is because apparently we still don't get it

Sexual consent.

It shouldn't be a difficult thing to grasp, but apparently it is. Working out if someone wants to bump with you shouldn't be a convoluted excavation. It also shouldn't be something we take lightly either.

But really, it shouldn't be something I find myself writing about on a Saturday night. I would rather be in the pub. But apparently we - as a society - still can't quite grasp sexual consent and I apparently have a lot of feelings on the topic as well. So I'm spending my Saturday night writing this. Not because I'm a loser with no friends but because we need to have this chat.

(Side note: I wonder what I'll do with my life when the patriarchy falls? Maybe I'll go to the pub more).

Since the #MeToo movement started I (and probably you) have seen the men asking "can we not even touch a woman's knee now without consent". No, you can't. Because going around stroking other people's knees is weird. Then you see the men who get defensive because they wouldn't (intentionally) assault a woman and they think you're trying to imply something (maybe we are).

But then you see the other men who show genuine concern that they've maybe (unknowingly) assaulted or taken advantage of a woman at some point in their life. And they want to learn how to be better.

And that's where this blog post has been born - the honest chat about what consent is. A 101 guide, if you will. Because even in the feminist community we're still debating consent. Can making money from sex ever be consensual? Is pr0n wrong? Can you enjoy getting chocked and still call yourself a feminist? Is fellatio misogynistic? If a man won't go down on you is that a sign that he thinks women shouldn't have the right to vote?

My definition of consent is: do what the fuck you want but chat it out with your partner. Fucking communicate. Realise that sexual needs and desires are unique to the person. You might decide not to fuck each other after that chat because you realise your sexual needs don't quite align. That's okay. Because the world would be boring if we were all the same (that's the saying, right?)

I see the sexual revolution as a world where sweet missionary by candlelight and a BDSM orgy in a dungeon are both valid sexual choices. And everything in between; no matter how kinky or gentle it is. Cannonball each other naked into the sky for all I care, just as long as it is consensual and you agree on safe words.

But obviously, it is a bit more complicated than this because if it wasn't we wouldn't be in this massive mess.


First off, we don't really know how to talk about sex in a mature and adult way. I might be spending my Saturday night writing about sex on my blog but I used to blush at the word anus. I was always okay speaking about sex with a partner, but not so much in public or with friends. That is part of the problem. If we want consent, we need to let go of the shame that surrounds sex and learn to talk about it maturely. And that starts with schools and parents. Even at 28 years old, I lie to my parents about where I am if I'm on a date or hanging out with someone casual. I really shouldn't have to. Like, dating and sex should be a normal thing that I shouln't feel the need to actively cover up from my parents.

And....schools. Decent sex education was the first issue I ever strongly cared about, and I still do. But apparently we can't have that because then the teenagers will start humping in the school toilets. Listen, today's teenagers know what sex is. And if they want to do it, they will (hopefully not in the school toilets though). And I don't see the problem. If two (or more, because sex isn't always two people) are thirsty af at the sight of each other and everything is consensual.....I don't really see the problem. Teenage love is real as far as I'm concerned and I know people who had sex in high school (as in high school age, not physically in the school) who never regretted it.

If you have a problem with teenagers having sex (including teenagers who are emotionally ready to have sex) you really need to sit with that for a while. Think about why you get so wound up about young people engaging in consensual sex. Do you have a problem with sex in general? Because if you do have a problem with young people getting freaky then you're doing them a disservice. They will do it no matter how much the Prude Brigade tries and stop it, and you'll put them at risk.

This is where I remind you that there's an Age of Consent enshrined in law. That matters too.

Oh, and sex education when I'm finally in charge will cover more than just biology. It will cover all the contraceptive choices. Talk about STDs in a non-shameful way. And consent!!!!! Whatever consent actually means (because we're still a bit confused, but I'll cover that later).

Let's try and stop being funny around sex chat. Especially between people who are doing it together. Talk to your partner. And that doesn't mean you need to get all 50 Shades of Grey on them and get your lawyers involved (which is wrong on so many levels, as consent can be withdrawn at any time). It can be snuggling on the sofa and telling them about all the dirty things you want to do to them. Or it can be putting on your sexy voice and asking them what they like before you start.


Oh, and let's agree that virginity is a social construct. I can't believe I'm admitted this on the internet because it is really fucking embarrassing: I was one of those prudish teenagers who was "technically a virgin" for two months because I viewed penetrative sex as more up there than oral sex (lol). I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.

When you hold up the idea that certain sex acts are more valid than others you are holding up the idea that certain types of assault are more valid than others. Did you know that, in the UK, rape is forced penetrative sex and everything else is sexual assault? It's bullshit, but true. Any type of sexual assault can create trauma regardless of what the sex act was. I remember in university halls a conversation broke out about "how it's harder to rape a man because of erections" and some smart-ass chimed in that you could put an elastic band at the base of the penis. Oh ffs. Even if sex is against someone's will they can still react physically to the sensations (e.g. an erection). And you can still assault a man by performing a sex act that doesn't require an erection. Because sex is more than penis in vagina.

Okay, but what is consent? I'm glad you asked. Because we get confusing af messages. 

Society likes to tell us what we should like and what we shouldn't like in bed. And here's where I call out my own feminist community. Or more specifically sex-negative feminists. You know, the ones who like to tell us that women don't really like rough sex; we only do it because the men are coercing us into it. Or because we watched some porn one time and decided to take inspiration. Apparently, we're all romantic beings who want candles and Celine Dion playing in the background.

Plus apparently, a man who doesn't enjoy period sex or going down on a woman is a misogynist. Why? Because everyone is allowed to turn down any sex act that they please. And that includes the so-called feminist sex acts. I hate period sex and I'll fight anyone who tries to make me hand over my feminist membership card.


As far as I'm concerned, sex-negative feminists who reckon individual kinks are up for theoretical debate are part of the problem. When you decide what are "good" sex acts and "bad" sex acts you not only sound like a leader of a religious cult, you also give a free pass to assault. Yes, you do. Because you're telling people how to feel about their own bodies and what gets done to it. You make victims question their experiences. Stop it.

And just to keep the debate balanced: I need to deliver a TED talk to my own sex-positive community. People are allowed to like missionary-style sex (personally, I think it's quite underrated) with the lights off and t-shirt on. If someone isn't kink-friendly it's not because they haven't been liberated from the clutches of a sex-negative society. It's (shockingly enough) because kinky sex doesn't do it for them. That's cool. Start respecting it.

In case no one has ever told you this and you need validation:

Every time. 100%. In every lifetime. And every universe. You are the ONLY person who gets to decide what you like in bed. No one is allowed to debate that with you. Not ever. This your body. Only you get to decide who touches it, especially sexually. And you get to decide the way in which they touch it. You decide your boundaries. 


In Hot Feminist (which is a shit book overall, but the chapter on sexual assault is v.good) Polly Vernon makes the very valid point regarding sexual assault and the law: it's a hard crime to prove as it essentially comes down to one person's version of events versus another person's.

Many of us (and I was once one of these people) think of rape as someone jumping out a bush at a lonely woman in the middle of the night and knocking her out and sticking it in. I mean, that probably makes for better television but it doesn't represent how mundane sexual assault actually can be.

Sexual assault can manifest itself in so many ways.
  • someone was drunk or high and couldn't really understand what was going
  • someone thinks being married to someone means they should drop their pants whenever
  • someone went "oh, please baby"
  • you were staying in an AirBnB and the host started coming onto you, and you were scared of being kicked out
  • the person you're dating fucking pouts when you say no (I had an ex-boyfriend who did this, I never gave in but it shows how fucking whiny men can be when you say no)
  • you were kissing someone and they make the assumption they can move their hands south
  • you complimented someone's kitchen work surface and they decided that was a cue to initiate sex (wait...what?)
And that last point is what I want to touch on first, and I'll be using the accusations levied about Aziz Ansari as my inspiration. 

For anyone who doesn't know, this time last year an article was published in Babe Magazine by a girl who had a bit of a shit date with Aziz. And by shit, I mean was coerced into sex acts she didn't feel comfortable with. The story has caused a divide within the feminist community. Some feel like Aziz did nothing wrong and this was a standard sexual encounter. They say her story mocks the #MeToo movement. Others say Aziz shouldn't haven't made (very common) assumptions and should have asked for explicit consent. 

I'm going to say something that lies in the middle. I don't believe that Aziz intentionally went out of his way to make this woman feel coerced. He actually behaved the same way so many men do: where he assumed that date = sex. And that's the problem. 

We look for signs that someone might be into us rather than putting on our big people pants and having a conversation. The girl agreed to go back to his flat after a date and he immediately took that as consent: 

When they walked back in, she complimented his marble countertops. According to Grace, Ansari turned the compliment into an invitation.
“He said something along the lines of, ‘How about you hop up and take a seat?’” Within moments, he was kissing her. “In a second, his hand was on my breast.”
Someone complimenting your choice in home decor is not consent (shockingly enough). But so many men think a woman being nice to them is "leading them on". When, in fact, the only way to know if someone wants to have sex with you is to ask and get verbal permission. Not by reading their body language.

Would you assume it was okay to borrow someone's car because of their body language? No. So stop doing it with sex.

Getting explicit consent is really important when sleeping with someone new. If you've never had sex with someone before that means you literally have no idea what they like. Your ex may have liked x, y and z, but that doesn't mean everyone does. Even someone who writes about sex on the internet (lol, me) still has to be asked. I could publish a blog post detailing exactly what I like in bed and you'd still have to check in with me. Why? Because I'm allowed to change my mind and maybe there are some sex acts I wouldn't do with certain people.


When you've been with someone a while, sometimes the explicit consent will not be needed anymore. That's okay. It's up to the people within that partnership (whether a casual relationship or life partnership) to decide whether explicit consent is something you want to practice every time or if you're happy for your partner to stop asking once they become familiar with your sexual preferences. Style Caster have a great article on their website on creating a Yes/No/Maybe Sex Checklist with your partner. Personally, I have some sex acts I'm almost always down for and I don't require a steady partner to check in about, but I have others that I'm only-sometimes-in-the-mood-for and still require explicit consent even if I'm married to the person. But everyone's different.

I'm not suggesting that you start walking up to every attractive person in the street and asking if they want to bone you. Lol, of course not; that would still be creepy. Body language, flirtatious words, and eye contact should still be used as an indicator that someone might find you attractive. But before you start the act of sex, you need to check that sex is actually what they are looking for.

Maybe this person is demisexual or asexual. Maybe they are romantically attracted to you and want to get to know you emotionally. Maybe they don't do one night stands. Maybe they have a third-date rule. Or maybe they really don't want you at all and you read the social cues all wrong.

Asking someone if they want to have sex is one of the key ways to avoid assaulting someone (I wonder if I should make a pretty desktop wallpaper of that sentence for you all to use). The same goes for sending dick pics.

Because here is the punch line: sexual assault is how someone feels about the encounter.

If you've ever felt your skin crawl after a sexual encounter - or felt taken advantage of - then...yeah. The person didn't necessarily intentionally take advantage of you, but that doesn't change that they did. Something went wrong in that scenario that caused someone to feel like something was happening to their body that they didn't want to. Plus, the thing with a lot of people who commit sexual assault is that they somewhere in them convince themselves that they didn't do anything wrong. Men who deny sexual assault rumours and charges might honestly believe that they have done nothing wrong. The personal anecdotes I'll share later were probably done by people who really didn't think that their actions were harmful because society's definition of consent is so messed up.


"BUT JUST SAY NO" I hear you cry.

Well, aren't you a smarty pants who did well in school. Considering that quite a lot of women do say no and it ends up getting fucking ignored your point is invalid (I've had several guys ignore a verbal no, so don't fucking @ me). Many men see no as a challenge. Remember that Blurred Lines song where Thicke sings "I know you want it"? Aye, that bullshit.

And a bit of basic psychology for you: there's a thing called fight or flight. Sometimes in traumatic experiences (you know, like being sexually assaulted) your body will break down and freeze. There really isn't much you do about it. An ex-partner once ignored a verbal no to a specific sex act and I froze up. The best way I can describe it was my mind going blank. I couldn't make much sense of what was happening which is why I wasn't able to say no again. In films we show victims fighting back and screaming, but in reality many victims freeze up and are unable to fight. Films and TV shows always portray events as more dramatic than they actually are - rape and sexual assault are no different.

Then society has a weird notion that no is a bad word. It's rude. We let people borrow things when we don't want to. We attend social events that make us want to gauge our eyes out. We make our children cuddle elderly relatives who smell of pee because it's rude for children to have some kind of autonomy over who touches them.

Society's fucked up attitude towards sexual consent is all tangled up in our confusing feelings over the word no.

I was definitely raised to believe that the word no was bad. I got into trouble when I tried to get out of social events that weren't up my street, or involved people I plain didn't like. I was told that I had hurt people's feelings, even if I hadn't. So it's no surprise that as a teenager and adult I didn't really know how to say no like I would any other word.

I'm okay with the word no now, but that shit took years to actively unlearn. Saying no to things (and in return respecting another person's right to say no) shouldn't be seen as rude. I don't have any children in my life, but if I did I would 100% never make them feel like no was a bad word. Don't want to hang out with Aunt Morag today? That's okay because I'm a grown-ass adult who knows how to handle being turned down.

And this leads us nicely onto coercion! The Office of Women's Health's describes coercion as:

Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone. It might be from someone who has power over you, like a teacher, landlord, or a boss. No person is ever required to have sex with someone else
Some of the verbal examples on their website include:
  • "If you really loved me, you’d do it.”
  • “I’ll make it worth your while.”
  • “But you’ve already gotten me all worked up.”
  • “If you don’t do this, I will tell everyone you’re gay.”
And I have my own example to add (because I've never had an opinion on anything in my life) coercion includes forcing someone closer to Yes because they're not totally against the idea. There's Flat Out No at one end, and then Enthusiastic Yes at the other - with murky grey in between. If someone is in the murky grey mid-section that's not an invitation to push them towards a Yes. Let them stay in murky grey. They should only move towards Yes on their own terms.


Anyway, where were we?

I'm going back to feminism again because apparently this How To has no structure. I'm going to use another celebrity as an example of consent.

This time it is Ellen DeGeneres and Katy Perry.

Two years ago the men on Twitter got angry because Ellen DeGeneres complimented Katy Perry very publicly on her boobs. Why does Ellen get to tell women they have a nice rack but if I do it it is fucking creepy? they cried.

Because, consent.

I am not Katy Perry and I cannot decide for Katy Perry how she should feel about a public compliment towards her breasts. I would feel awkward but that is me. Because consent is about how that person feels about the encounter. Katy and Ellen are pals and probably know where each other's boundaries lie. A random man walking up to a random woman and proclaiming that her DDs are the best he has ever seen isn't the same scenario.

But the Twitter Men did have a slight point.

Assault is generally seen as something where a perpetrator is always a man and the victim is always a woman. Statistics back this up.

But this isn't always the case, and I've met a fair few women who could do with a consent class.

I date people of multiple genders and can confirm that creepy men are everywhere. It's a problem. They can be even more fucking awful when hiding behind a Tinder profile. Creepy women are fewer and further between but they exist. They do. They're just rarer. But the fact that they exist is still a problem. And the fact that we deny their existence is an even bigger fucking problem.

You want some anecdotes? Got them here, served fresh.

When I was still a bit of a Dundee bird, I went to a certain rock club for Halloween. One of its female regulars who identifies as a feminist (I'm not naming names, but she has dark hair and pale skin....oh, I'm feeling brave tonight) decided to start slut-dropping around my feet. I froze. Like just stood there. Clearly not wanting the attention. Then I walked off. I was 23 and not as confident sticking up for myself as I am now, and I wasn't as well-versed in consent. I still internalised the idea that women can't assault women. But I remained on guard for the rest of the night. (Even better her male partner witnessed this and his embarrassed face said everything: he knew I didn't want this attention but didn't intervene).

But it's isolated! Lol, no. Let's move onto women on dating apps. Prior to coming out of the closet, I received an explicit message from a woman on OkCupid. She had chosen to list her profile as a straight male because "I'm sick of creepy of men dropping into my profile, so I'm listed as a straight male so I can still see the ladies but dodge the men". Pot meet kettle, babe.

Here's the thing with women harassing me. It has went away since I came out as bisexual. I have a sneaking suspicion that these women (I have other stories but I would like to finish writing this post at some point) could sense that I wasn't really heterosexual, but instead of taking me aside for a compassion chat or, I don't know, let me come out in my own time - they decided to....harass it out of me instead? That's an interesting technique for queer liberation.

Anyways, my point is: believe assault stories of queer women and people of all genders.


And a sort of related point (but I maybe could have found a better place for it but whatever, I'm mind dumping): contraception is a consent issue. If you are the sort of person who refuses to get tested, you're not giving that person all the information they need to have sex with you. Accidentally passing around an STD is a shitty thing to do. If you're a sexually active adult you should be getting your genitals (and blood) tested between partners (just like people with teeth should go to the dentist every six months).

And the "awwww, don't make me wear a condom, I want to feel closer to you" chat needs to stop. I'm not going to pretend that condoms are sexy (they aren't, and sex does feel better without them) but if a girl (or guy) doesn't feel comfortable humping you bareback respect that, or get out. I've relied on the pill and even the pullout method with guys I'm actively dating where we've had a conversation, but I'd never trust a new guy to pull out or automatically believe he is STD free. I don't personally know a woman (who I've asked this question to, at least) who feels comfortable going condom-less with a new guy. Men, start carrying a condom on a first date by default.

And ONE MORE POINT! I'm nearly done, promise.

We need to work on the way we console our friends who have been dumped, or where their love for someone is just flat out unrequited. It's shit when someone doesn't feel the same way or decides to end a relationship. But we need to start respecting their decision. Saying things like "it's their loss" or "he doesn't know what he's missing" isn't helping. The same goes for remaining eternally angry at an ex who didn't do anything wrong (e.g. adultery, theft etc) but just felt like the relationship wasn't really working for them anymore.

Same goes for setting people up. Don't force it. Your co-worker might be a "great guy", but that doesn't mean that your cousin should "give him a chance".

I know this 3,000+ words mind-dump might sound self-righteous and ho ho ho all men are out to assault women even when they're not intentionally doing so. So I'm putting on my big girl pants and admitting that I've made assumptions about taking it to the next level and let my hands slide places without checking that the person wanted to go further than kissing. I've failed to sit down with a sexual partner and create a Yes/No/Maybe checklist. I've been a dick about rejection. Consent is something I've had to sit with and check myself on. I've improved at having conversations that feel awkward because we're not used to having them. I don't try and make my love life look like the movies where they seamlessly glide from First Base to Third. I make sure moving further forward is something all parties want.

Okay, a re-cap.

What does consent in the sexual revolution look like:
  • You can register when someone is too drunk (are they slurring and wobbling when they walk?)
  • Silence is not a yes
  • When a partner tells you what they're into sexually, you don't dismiss it
  • Differing sex drives and desires are legitimate reasons to break-up (or talk about non-monogamy)
  • Get explicit consent and never assume
  • Consent can be withdrawn at any time
  • You don't take flirtatious behaviour as consent
  • In fact, you don't take anything that isn't explicit verbal consent as consent
  • Discuss contraception, and get tested 
  • Thorough sex education in schools that includes consent
  • Agree that if someone feels like they were sexually taken advantage of, then that means they were
  • If someone is willing to spend money on lawyers and go through fucking court, then they're not lying
  • Support sex workers (if they say they want to fuck for cash, believe them)

Have I missed anything?

Because I really want to go to the pub.
morag | mo adore
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