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What being grey-romantic looks like in practice (for me)

What being grey-romantic looks like in practice (for me)


Buy this pin here (technically it's the aromantic pin)

"Why have you been single so long?"

"They're great, are you sure you don't like them?"

"How can you have casual sex and never fall for someone?"

These are three, potentially well-meaning, questions that I've received throughout my life from my friends, family, and a professional psychologist I had to be vetted by before going on a dating show (it will be aired in March).

The short answer to all of these questions is that I don't experience romantic attraction very often.

Aka grey-romanticism, to give it its exact word.

I've been like this my whole life. I've never been too invested in the idea of a romantic partner, though I will (very) occasionally meet someone who makes me feel otherwise. I've also never been particularly bothered by it, though other people seem to be. People who don't even know me all that well have shown a very bizarre level of interest in why I'm long-term partnerless and very rarely go on dates.

I had a bit of ride accepting that I was bisexual. This has been very well documented. My sexual orientation used to keep me up at night and was something that I tried desperately to pretend wasn't true, until it came spilling out in my mid-20s.

I wasn't actively aware that the way I experience romantic attraction was considered weird until I was in my mid-20s. That's when the comments began to come in about clocks ticking and questions about why it had been so fucking long since I'd had a boyfriend (I wasn't out as bisexual yet).

This time last year was when I began pondering my romantic attraction and orientation. I even wrote a whole blog post about it. I became drawn to the term aromantic but I knew it didn't quite fit me as I have experienced romantic love a few times. Then I found grey-romantic: a term for people who are on the aromantic spectrum but can still experience romantic love, albeit rarely.

And the identity fits, a lot.

I know grey-romanticism isn't something we talk about widely enough as a society. The comments I receive from random people demanding to know why I've been single so long showcase that society isn't quite on board with people who just don't fall in love all that easily (or ever). If you're new to the idea of grey-romanticism or aromanticism, I've pulled together some personal anecdotes and examples below of how it actually works for me in practice.

I've never understood society's obsession with romantic relationships

Like, ever.

Even as a little girl I didn't daydream about weddings and babies. Getting married has never been a goal of mine. When family members teased me about male friendships, it sometimes made me spark up in rage. Partially because I knew inside of me that I didn't exclusively like men, and I also just didn't understand the obsession with romantic relationships. Why couldn't I just be friends with a guy?

I can count all of my romantic crushes on one hand

It's five. Firstly, there was my high school crush, who was the only person I liked while in school. Then in my second year of university, I met my second boyfriend. Not long after that ended, I dated someone else that I had strong feelings for (and we're still friends). After that, I was sans-crush for about three years. Finally, once that crush had passed, I would wait another four years to experience my most recent crush (we're also still friends).

Reminder: I'm 30 this year and five crushes in three decades isn't exactly a high number.

I only crave a formal relationship when I actively fancy someone

I very rarely go on dates (I only went on two last year: one I met on Tinder and one person I met in real life). Largely this is because I don't crave a relationship unless I'm having one of my rare crushes. When I don't have a crush on someone, I just get on with it and don't really bother actively looking for someone. I'll still flip through Tinder just to see what's out there (and maybe arrange a hook-up because your girl definitely has sexual needs). But even the thought of going on a date with someone who I don't already have an active crush on drains me.

When I do get a crush, however, it's intense 

I've been told by multiple people that when I do get a crush on someone it can be a bit, uh, over the top. This might be potentially due to my obsessive, over-thinking personality but it's also just really easy to get carried away when it's your first crush in four years!

The 'plenty more fish in the sea comments' don't make me feel any better

When my most recent crush didn't work out, I was understandably upset about them not feeling the same way. Partially I was also upset because this had been my first crush in four years and I knew it might be a long time before the next one would come along.

I have a very particular type 

When it comes to my physical and sexual attractions, I have a type - but it is flexible. When it comes to my romantic attraction, my type is not really all that flexible. It's not a choice either or just me being fussy; I literally cannot develop feelings for people who don't display certain characteristics.

Every single person I've ever developed a romantic crush on ticked all of the following:
  • outgoing and extroverted
  • have a lot of hobbies or a big passion project
  • the potential to be a creative partner (similar to a power couple)
  • I could imagine them giving me a life that I couldn't build for myself
  • sexual, physical, aesthetic and sexual attraction were also present
Know somebody who could fit the bill?

I find it really difficult to understand why people fall for unsuitable people

I've had a few friends over the years get their knickers in a bit of a twist over people who they really love but who they know are also wildly unsuitable.

I really can't relate to this. While I can be sympathetic on an intellectual level I really can't grasp the situation emotionally. 

Even though none of my five crushes worked out, only the first two (when I was a lot younger and not the person I am now) were daft choices. The other three crushes were not bizarre choices; it just didn't quite work out due to bad timing or them not feeling the same way (the fact that I'm friends with 2 out of 3 of them shows that we were not ridiculously mismatched, we just weren't meant to be romantically).

Casual sex is very easy

I know some people who struggle with casual sex because they fall in love easily. I also know people who won't cuddle someone after sex unless they are also romantic with that person.

Personally, someone I'm having casual sex with could cuddle me closely while playing with my hair and I'd simply just enjoy it as a hug. It took me a while to realise that a lot of people only hug after sex if they are into the person romantically. I also used to be confused by casual sex partners who would leave straight after we were done claiming "I want to keep this light". So do I mate, but that doesn't mean I don't want a hug.

Asexuality and Aromanticism are not the same things

If my casual sex story above didn't give anything away, let me make it clear: I'm not asexual.

Some aromantics are asexual as well, but the two don't always co-exist. It definitely doesn't for me. I'm sexually attracted to people very easily.

I still have sensual needs

Prior to realising that the way I experience romantic love wasn't the way most people did, I accidentally hurt a lot of people. Usually, it was because I didn't realise that for a lot of people sensual behaviour is synonymous with romantic behaviour. For example, a friend playing with my hair was taken as no more than hair playing by me, but they were actually trying to move in romantically.

Despite the fact that I don't fall for people very easily, I still enjoy behaviour associated with romantic relationships. These days I am a lot more careful in engaging in non-romantic sensual behaviours and make my intentions very clear.

I'm lucky that I have several friends who get that my sensual needs aren't in-line with romantic feelings. I have a demi-romantic friend (meaning they can develop romantic feelings, but only if they know the person) who offers me a lot of hugs and we get each other because of this. 

I have dated people out of societal pressure

A comment that aromatic people receive a lot is that we're not actually oppressed and nobody really cares. 

I can assure you that there are a lot of people out there who care far too much about my lack of interest in romantic relationships. Have a look in the mentions of any aromantic Twitter account and you'll find comments from aphobes calling us broken and offering conversion therapy. 

On a personal note though, when I was younger I've dated people out of societal pressure (which I'm sure some alloromantic people have done too!). Sometimes it's been because someone was laying on direct pressure to become romantically involved with a particular person (even though you can't ever force romance?). Other times it was my own desperation to experience a feeling that I know I'm capable of, but just don't get very easily.

That's definitely not fun, and shows that society just can't leave people on the aromantic spectrum alone.

I really value non-romantic relationships

I know alloromantics might still value their familial and platonic relationships in a way that is on par with their romantic relationships. I really value them. Not just because I think it's a bit weird to expect one person to fulfil all your emotional and social needs. I might realistically never have a romantic partner, so I'm going to make sure my platonic relationships are in tip-top shape.

Some of my favourite fictional characters can be read as aromantic

Samantha Jones and Elsa are my favourites. 

I don't have to necessarily get to know someone to have a crush on them

An assumption people make a lot is that I have to get to know someone really well before I can develop a crush. I actually don't, and this behaviour is technically known as demi-romanticism (where a deep bond has to be established first before romantic feelings can emerge). 

Out of my five crushes, two took a while to form while the other three were pretty quick. As long as I have gotten to know someone well enough to know that they are my romantic type, then a romantic crush can form.

I began giving people 'more of a chance' two years ago

Nothing changed. Still rarely had crushes. 

If you do like me romantically, move in slowly and naturally

I get nervous talking about being grey-romantic publicly, in case it puts potential suitors off. If you are reading my blog because you have a crush on me, my advice for grafting me is to move in slowly. As mentioned above I don't enjoy going on dates with someone I don't already fancy, so if you open up with "can I take you out for a drink" I'll probably assume you're being platonic (it's where my aromantic brain automatically goes). If I'm going to fall for someone it will be because they are incredible, so you're better off showcasing your amazing personality without telling me about your crush.

My ideal life would still involve a romantic partnership

Being single doesn't bother me all that much. Saying that though, my ideal life would still include a romantic partner. I've been in love and it's an incredible feeling. Especially when that person feels the same way. I do miss it sometimes, and my ideal life would include someone who makes me feel that way.

I literally can't help it

I've been called fussy, a lot. But fussy, to me, would be someone who does develop crushes easily but keeps their standards high (and there's nothing wrong with that). I literally cannot develop romantic feelings for people on a regular basis. I just lack that feeling. There isn't any choice or fussiness about it.

If it's not a 'big deal' or I'm not 'that different' why do people care so much? 

In the Twitter mentions of aromantics, you'll find people commenting that it's not noteworthy behaviour and we should all quit using these labels. If it's not noteworthy behaviour then why does society always default to the idea of everyone needing romantic love, or experiencing it?

Being grey-romantic doesn't bother me. I've been like this my whole life and I only began to realise I was different somewhere in my 20s. The only thing that ever gets under my skin is when other people demand I go on a date with their friend or comment on how long I've been single for.

Honestly, just let people live.

I'm really glad that we're talking about aromanticism more. 

I didn't even know aromanticism was a thing until a year ago, and I'm glad I now have a label that allows me to orientate dating. As well as helping me understand myself and the way I interact with the world.

Give your aromantic friends some platonic love!

Oh, and don't try and pressurise us into going on dates. We don't really like that.
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Veganuary Weekend at Achray House Hotel, Perthshire

Veganuary Weekend at Achray House Hotel, Perthshire


Veganism has grown so much in the past few years and the Veganuary campaign (where people pledge to go vegan for one month) has been one of the major drivers behind the movement. For better or worse, some of the world's biggest food retailers announce new vegan products every January (this year we've had the vegan KFC burger, the steak bake from Greggs, and the meatball sub from Subway) making veganism more accessible than ever before.

But it's not just the big chains in the cities that cater to veganism. For many years veganism has been easier if you live in a city, especially a major one. That, however, is changing as well.

Achray House Hotel on the banks of Loch Earn is one rurally-based establishment looking to make veganism more accessible for people who prefer the mountains and country roads to bustling city streets. The owners, Laura and Panu, kindly invited me to visit free of charge for their Veganuary weekend - and I fell in love with the food, the hotel itself, and the surrounding areas.

If you're not familiar with Perthshire, it's in Central Scotland and covers a massive amount of ground (2528 sq. miles to be exact). It's part of the Highlands geographical area and is home to beautiful mountains, glens, and lochs - it is very much the Scotland you see on postcards.

Achray House Hotel is located in the southern parts of Perthshire and is not far from the tourist-favourite of Stirling. As mentioned already it overlooks Loch Earn, but it also looks out onto Ben Vorlich! The wider village is called St Fillans, which is home to a handful of houses and businesses (but most people go to the nearby Comrie for day-to-day stuff). If you're looking for a calming escape amongst nature then you won't get much better than this. 

The owners operate a pick-up service if you don't own a car. They need three days notice and can meet you anywhere within 7 miles (Panu picked me up at Stirling Railway Station). If you have a car, the hotel is just over an hour from Glasgow or Edinburgh. 

The Hotel


The hotel itself is a charming white building with a restaurant, bar, front lounge and an outdoor patio. One of my favourite moments was eating my breakfast while watching the sunrise behind Ben Vorlich and over Loch Earn! 

I was staying in the Economy Room which has a double bed, en-suite, Sky TV, an ironing board, iron, a small tea and coffee station, and an Alexa! What makes it an Economy Room is that I didn't get a view of Loch Earn (which I was perfectly okay with as I could just wander through to the bar). The room would normally cost £86 per night Sunday to Thursday and then £96 per night for Friday to Saturday (for single occupancy). 

One of my favourite features of the hotel were the two dog-friendly rooms. These two rooms are downstairs and have an extra door that allows you to take your dog straight outside for a walk without having to walk through the hotel!

The owners also have their own dog, whose company I very much enjoyed on the hill walk. 

Food

I'm a massive foodie so for me the main draw of any trip will be the chance to try some new food. One thing that made this Veganuary Weekend special was that their new chef (who will officially join them in mid-February) made his way there on Saturday night to host a special five-course vegan tasting menu. The vegan menu consisted of: 
  • Konbu and miso broth, pickled mushrooms, paysanne vegetables
  • Sweet potato falafel, apricot puree
  • Salt baked butternut squash, toasted pine nut and spinach strudel, kale pesto and crispy kale
  • Raspberry Eaton Mess
  • Pineapple and coconut arancini
The salt-baked butternut squash was one of the best vegan dishes I've ever eaten (and the two girls I met while on this trip agreed). The restaurant definitely leans towards fine-dining and is geared towards people who want high-quality cuisine. The 3-course tasting menu was £29 and the 5-course tasting menu was £35. 

The chef came out to speak to us all after dinner and told us that he'll be taking on the restaurant side of the business (allowing the owners to concentrate on the hotel side). There were two dining rooms and they have plans to turn one of them into a formal restaurant and the other into casual dining. The restaurant is also open to people not staying at the hotel, so if you live nearby or would prefer to stay in one of Perthshire's other hotels, then you can still pop by to sample some of the delicious food. 

On Friday night I chose something off of their regular menu. I went for carrot pancakes, tagine, and chocolate mousse. Two courses were £29 and three courses were £35. They also have a breakfast bar and a hot food menu. I'm a breakfast gal so I helped myself to a bowl of cereal and freshly squeezed orange juice - and then treated myself to a cooked vegan breakfast because I'm worth it! 


Drinks

My favourite wine of the night
My drinks (along with the yoga class, more on that in a second) was the only part of the weekend I paid for, so I decided to treat myself a bit. I had orange juice on Friday night with my dinner (living life on the edge) and the waitress came back with freshly squeezed orange juice!

The owners of Achray House Hotel kindly marked out their vegan-friendly wines. The waitress also allowed me to sample the wines before I purchased. I was also allowed to have a glass from a wine that was officially sold by the bottle because it was already opened. One of the owners, Panu, was very knowledgable on wine, which is very helpful for people like me who are a bit wine-snobby. 

If wine is not your tipple of choice, their bar is well stocked with spirits (many of them made in Scotland). I'm a rum girl at heart, so I tried the rum from Aberdeen-based Brewery, Fierce Spirits. Officially it is coffee and vanilla-infused, but I personally think it had a caramel taste (still lovely though!). 

I can't remember the price of each drink, but my drinks bill was £19 when I left (one rum, one orange juice, and two glasses of wine).  

Activities


As part of their Veganuary weekend, there was the option to take part in a yoga class and an escorted hill walk. The yoga class was hosted by Pamela from Buddha Bodies, a local yoga class that takes place just next door. Pamela specialises in Hatha Yoga, which was absolutely fine for me despite having not touched yoga for seven years (I used to be a dancer so did yoga as part of my training). I'm still a swimmer and that came in handy for the balance poses!  

Now, hillwalking. I know this is very un-Scottish of me but I don't hill walk...ever. I haven't climbed a hill since I was probably 19. I wasn't originally going to sign-up until I happened to be in the foyer at the same time as two girls who were going on it, who talked me into it. 

It was okay in the end, as we did stick to a gentle incline with a well-marked out path. The views of Loch Earn made it worth it. Then we went on an off-path adventure where my trainers became covered in mud (the mud washed off though, but take proper hillwalking shoes). For any keen hillwalkers, there are about 50 Munros (mountains over 1000m) within an hour’s drive of St Fillans.  

Who would you say Loch Earn House Hotel is for? 

Anyone looking for a vegan-friendly, high-end hotel amongst calming Scottish scenery. Especially if they require somewhere dog-friendly. 

You can visit the Achray House Hotel website here. I've also added a Story Highlight to my Instagram so that you can re-visit my stay at the hotel. 

P.S. Full disclosure: the owners paid for my food, transport from Stirling and accommodation in return for promotion. I paid for my drinks and yoga class. This is not a paid promotion. 


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New Year, New Decade, New Intentions (not goals!)

New Year, New Decade, New Intentions (not goals!)



Yesterday, you might have caught my blog post where I rambled on about being more mindful on why we create goals, not feeling pressure to set goals because they sound ~impressive~, and not give into heteronormativity and capitalism when we are trying to work out where we want to go with our lives.

Now, despite that ramble, I am still routine-orientated so like to know what's coming up. Always have been and I don't think my personality will ever be void of that. For the past month now I have been trying to take stock of where I am and where I want to be - and exactly how I'm going to get there. I don't know the answer to that question, but at the start of every year, I take a good stab at them. So here it goes: What I'm hoping to achieve in 2020.

Domestic and Home Life


In 2019, one of my priorities was to become more domesticated. I successfully did that. I now have favourite cleaning products that I swear by, iron my bedsheets, and even kept a plant alive! I would say that's a far cry from who I was just a year ago. I have identified areas for improvement though, and key things I want to start working on in my domesticated life in 2020 and beyond include:

  • buy more plants (and keep them alive)
  • re-start my balcony garden
  • shampoo my white rug on a more regular basis
  • buy a steam mop and carpet cleaner machine
  • create more of a scent in the house (Candles, reed diffusers etc)
As far as cooking went, I made leaps and bounds in 2019. I don't have any particular goals here, I just want to keep trying new recipes and finding new ones to put on my list for special occasions. 

Oh, and keep saving to buy my own place (but only buy it when I'm ready). 

Style and Beauty

Hahaha hahaha. This is the one area of my life I made very little progress with during 2019. I'm generally quite happy with how I present myself to the world, but there were things I wanted to change last year and never got round to. Here's the list again: 

  • industrial piercing
  • another tattoo (I have three ideas in my head)
  • more permanent hair removal (I've had some laser on my bikini line)
  • teeth whitening and potentially cosmetic braces
I received an Iolla gift voucher for Christmas so expect a second pair of glasses at some point this year to mix and match with! 

Social Justice & Activism

In 2019 I made an intention to become more involved in the Scottish Green Party (which I have been a member of since 2014!). I did just that and was elected onto the Glasgow Committee in autumn as an Ordinary Member. Since then I've focused on communications and look after the branch's Facebook page. One of my main intentions for 2020 is to work really hard at this role and do my best work possible, treating it as though it was a job.

The only other area of activism I want to work on is focusing on a zero-waste lifestyle. I have purchased several reusable household items to replace items that were once single-use (cloth sanitary towels, a metal straw that I keep on me, a tote bag that lives in my main handbag, and reusable cloth make-up pads). I think I have everything covered, but I'm planning to ensure that I've left no gaps. 


Geek and Pop Culture


2019 was a good year for books, movies, comics, and tv shows. I have no particular goals for this area of my life other than to just keep going. 

Online life and blogging


This is the one area of my life that I'm always developing - and 2020 looks to be no different.  I've set the bar quite high, so it's probably a good thing I spent a lot of 2019 reevaluating where my energy goes as I'm going to be quite busy. 

Firstly, I made a decision on Christmas Eve that I definitely want to start creating paid content. I've been supporting some of my favourite creators on Patreon for two years (and occasionally on Ko-Fi) because creatives deserve to be paid, and it's better if they're paid by fans rather than brands (who might try and edit their message). But I didn't believe I was ~popular~ enough to justify creating my own Pratreon, even if I do have some loyal people who consistently say they love my content. On Christmas Eve I said fuck that self-depreciated way of thinking, and on Boxing Day I set up my very own Patreon (where you can support me via subscription from only $2 a month - and gain access to more content) and Ko-Fi (where you can throw me the odd bit of money whenever you want). Maybe this will flop, or maybe I'll end up dirty rich. But I won't know unless I try (please pay me).

Any money I earn from Patreon and Ko-Fi, however, won't immediately go into my own pocket. I'll be using some of it to help pay for some of the other projects I'm trying to get off the ground (because, believe it or not, creative projects require funding).

First off, I am bringing the @CfbloggersChat back from the dead - but not as a Twitter chat. For those of you who weren't around in 2014, I and a few other bloggers started a Twitter chat for cruelty-free bloggers. Eventually, I was the last one standing and it was too much by myself. I also couldn't be magically free every Thursday, so the chat fell. I never missed having to be on my phone every single Thursday, but I did miss the community. Halfway through 2019, I realised that I could bring it back as something else (i.e. something that didn't require me to be free every Thursday). It's now a community and collective with an active Twitter account, Facebook Page, and Facebook Group (please follow and join us). I'm hoping to get a website, podcast, and Instagram up and running in the next few months.

My other big, new project is the thing I've been speaking about on Twitter since summer: my podcast about all things bisexual. I was gifted a podcast microphone by my parents for Christmas, so I'm guessing there are no excuses now? It's called The B Agenda (it was almost Bisexuals on Buses, which I'm still toying with) and each episode I'll be inviting a fellow bisexual to chat about a different subject. I already have my logo and microphone, but I still have to work on a few things over the next wee while before I get it 100% up and running.

I think it's also time I paid a photographer to take some nice lifestyle shots of me posing on a street or in a studio.

Social Life and Relationships

I feel like not much has changed in this area of my life since the start of 2019. Romantically, I'm still single and I don't have my eye on anyone. I did pay for Tinder and Bumble pro over the course of last year - because it doesn't actually cost that much - which, if anything, has only made my use of the apps more efficient. And I get to see who has liked me in advance, which is hilarious when you see people you know!

[content warning for sexual assault]

Platonically, I've had a few shifts but nothing too note-worthy. Back in January, an ex-friend was released from prison a year early and I saw how many people still believed his story (it was sexual assault, two women came forward, it was a conviction, and he was always a bit creepy....not much wiggle room for innocence) which was a bit gutting as I realised some people really had to be kicked out of my life for good. That wasn't fun. But aside from that my friendships have remained solid.

[end content warning for sexual assault]

In 2019, I tried to be more mindful of my socialising and not attending events that weren't essential to maintaining my important relationships. The biggest example was skipping my employer's company-wide Christmas party in December. I didn't skip it because I hate the people I work with; I simply didn't fancy it. I instead went to the Scottish Green Party Winter Social, which was much more me (and even if that hadn't been on, I would have skipped the big work party anyway).

In 2020, I want to further explore Relationship Anarchy. Primarily I want to be there for my (close) friends in a way that we usually associate with familial or romantic relationships. Whether it's providing financial support (either in a big way like helping them if they lose their job or paying for a friend's coffee if they earn less) or if they are going through a period of ill health (taking them to appointments, visiting regularly in hospital). When you write this out it does seem so bizarre that we don't already do this? Why don't we pull our weight for our friends as much as we do for romantic partners and family members? Obviously, I will be having chats with my close friends to see if they're happy with this (some romantic couples keep finances separate, my friends might want to remain financially independent from me).

Career & Work


I'll be re-applying for university but for a slightly different course - and I've worked on ways to improve my application. Fingers crossed.

In other exciting (and expensive) news, one of my favourite content creators/wellness writers, Melissa A Fabello, launched a course on Breaking Into Freelance Writing and I've signed up! I've been a fan of Melissa's work for years and she gives me extreme career envy. Clearly, I'm going to want to learn from her. I can't wait to get stuck in during the first half of the year.

--

I think that's enough to keep me busy!

P.S. I'm turning 30 in November. Eek!




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A ramble on goals, capitalism, a new decade, heteronormativity, and turning 30...the fun stuff.

A ramble on goals, capitalism, a new decade, heteronormativity, and turning 30...the fun stuff.




In case you haven't heard, it's a new decade and it's time for a new start. What have you achieved in the past decade? What will you achieve in the next decade you underperforming failure of a human?!>!!

Meh. 

My little space on the internet was born as part of a New Year's resolution in 2011, and in a few days, my blog will celebrate its ninth birthday. If my blog was a person it would be halfway through primary school. 

Those of you who have been with me since the start of mo'adore will know that my attitude towards goals and resolutions has changed wildly. I used to be very goal orientated. I was a preachy goal-maker who would look down her nose at people who had no drive. These days, I still work hard and shit but I've shredded the internalised belief that a higher level of productivity automatically makes someone a more worthwhile human being.  

There's nothing wrong with having goals, as long as you aren't doing them out of societal obligation. I still like to sit down at the turn of every new year and stake stock of where I am, decide if I am happy with where I am, and what to do about the bits that aren't too peachy. 

That tradition has never changed. These days though, I like to check in with myself about why I want to achieve each thing, as well as focusing on working on myself to be a better human rather than a mo productive part of the capitalist machine.

--

At the start of 2019, several of my plans were a bit dull if I'm being honest. I decided I wanted to become more domesticated in 2019. This I achieved. I'm now a full-blown Zoflora wanker who irons her bedsheets. I even bought a plant that I've managed not to kill. 

I liked achieving this goal because it's nice to come home to a clean house after a day at work. It's good for the soul (and my nostrils). I also cooked a lot of food in 2019, and have several new recipes that I can turn to for particular situations. That's nice too. Though I totally did mutilate my attempt at steamed buns. 

I also said that I would continue to save money so that I could buy my own flat. I haven't bought my own flat yet and my savings are still about the same. This is something I've had to learn to be okay with. I could buy right now if I wanted to, as my savings are high enough. But I got very lucky with my rented flat and I'd have to massively downgrade (and move further out of the city) if I bought now. While there are pros to buying now, ultimately I think I'd be less happy if I bought now - even if I would receive some congratulations cards in the post. Originally I had a plan to buy before I'm 30 and unless I happen to win the lottery before November, I'm unlikely to achieve that. But recently I've had to ask myself why I set myself the goal of buying by 30. There's no logical reason as to why I need a mortgage by this age. I just randomly came up with it, due to societal pressure.

(Side note: it drives me nuts on Tinder when people brag about being homeowners on their profiles - don't get me wrong it is nice to own and I certainly wouldn't complain if someone I was dating had a nice pad, but it makes you sound like a snobby Tory)

Style-wise I wanted to upgrade myself. I haven't done this, largely because of money. I don't have any new tattoos and piercings. The one major change in my appearance is that I became a specky - and splashed out on a pair of Michael Kors glasses that look really nice on my face.

I also gave up drinking (aside from special occasions) which wasn't a goal I decided on at the start of the year, but something I decided on in September. I woke up after a friend's birthday feeling pretty shit and unable to do anything that day. I had a bit of a realisation that I hadn't been able to do much of what I really wanted to recently because I had been on one too many nights out and had lost several days to hangovers. My reasons for giving up drinking centred around productivity and being mindful of where my time went, but I've still had to deal with ignorant a******* who can't just let me live. 

I did achieve something quite big but I wanted to recap on these boring goals for a bit. None of the above goals are particularly brag-worthy and the house-cleaning one did get me a few eye-rolls. No one is congratulating me on developing a cleaning schedule that works for me (though I'd appreciate it if they did).  

That's the thing about goals though: they should concentrate on things that make you happy. Having a cleaner house has improved my emotional wellbeing. Even if it doesn't found as fancy as "completed a PhD" or "had a baby". 

I would say over the course of the past year I didn't really achieve that much. There is one stand out achievement that did earn me congratulations on Twitter (I'll get to it) but I wouldn't say it *means more* to me that getting on top of my chores. 

Okay, so my stand-out achievement that made my parents squee in delight? I was elected onto the Glasgow Green Party Committee as an Ordinary Member. This is something that I am obviously delighted about, and I am proud of myself for putting myself forward (which was a bit scary because it involved standing on a stage and selling myself to a room full of people). I am not in any way shape or form downplaying this achievement, but what I am saying is that it's not necessarily more important to me just because it looks a bit better on social media than my other achievements (like learning how to make vegan meringues from chickpeas). 

Honestly, if I was to wrap up my 2019: it would be the year of rejection and things not working out. In my 2019 goals post, I mentioned that I wanted to get the wheels in motion for a career change. I applied for a Masters and didn't get in, which obviously blew (especially since two of my friends did get onto their chosen masters). 

I also said that I wanted to take dating more seriously, which I did and I'm still partnerless. When I wrote my 2019 blog post I actually had a crush on someone I knew in real life. In the spring I decided to shoot my shot and....it didn't work (though we are still friends which I am very grateful for *woo maturity points*). I gave love a chance on a few other occasions this year, more than any other year. While it didn't work out for me with any of these people, I can safely say that it was never meant to be. I also paid for Tinder Pro and can see when people I know in life have swiped right on me (lol). 

Oh, and I went on a dating show! Which is a very bizarre sentence that I didn't exactly imagine myself writing at the start of the year. It's still in the editing phase and should be out on iPlayer in spring. It's called Hot Property and the picker (who was not me) picks a date based on their bedrooms. So you'll all get to see what my bedsheets look like. Maybe my vibrator too. 

I did say that I wanted to be more vulnerable in 2019, and appearing on a dating show where the person rummages through your drawers is high-stakes vulnerable. Yay for vulnerability and not being scared of what people might say about you on national TV! I'm still tempted to have a close friend watch the show for me and make the call on whether watching it myself would be good for my emotional health. 

The thing is: I put myself out there more this year than in previous years, which meant that I faced more rejection than in previous years. I think I'm okay with this...as it means I know certain things weren't for me and I won't wonder if things were meant to be? Something like that. I'm still working on being okay with my failed attempt at uni and love.

-- 

But when we talk about 2020 goals, we're not just talking about the upcoming year. No! We're talking about the decade. And as a 1990 baby, it will be a new decade for me personally. I find decade goals weird because who knows what the fuck I'm going to want in five years time. I might decide to uproot and move to France (unlikely). Or I might decide to become an engineer (also unlikely). Or global warming will finally catch us and we'll all be dead (likely). 

The only thing I do know that I want to achieve in the next decade is a career change. I never planned to end up in marketing; it sort of just happened because when you leave school you pick something and get on with it. I don't hate it, but I've always had a niggling suspicion that it's not the thing I was meant to do. In the past year, I've identified something that seems a lot more "me" but it's an industry that can be very difficult to succeed in and there are not a lot of positions available in Scotland (though remote working is possible). I applied for university and didn't get in, but I've been working on a plan to boost my chances of getting in next year.



I shared the above image on my Facebook in August. It spoke to me because of the career aspect. I graduated at 21 with a degree I was always a bit iffy about, tried to make it work, but as I approach 30 I have decided that I really need to have a re-think. But I was conscious of people thinking I might have been trying to gather sympathy for my long-term single status. 

If you've been around since the start of mo'adore, you'll know that I've been single the whole time. There are a handful of personal reasons for this: including being in the closet, having emotional issues in my early 20s that I had to work through first, and (the main one) I just never met someone. I am okay with this, but it feels weird to say it out in loud (in public) that if I don't mean someone by October then I will have been officially single for a decade. 

One of my favourite books of this year was The Unexpected Joy of Being Single by Catherin Gray. Like me, she is a long-term single and had a lot of baggage she needed to address before meeting someone. One of the most poignant parts of the book was where she explained that most of us could be married by now if we really wanted to be. I could have stayed with my first boyfriend even though he made me angry on a weekly basis, or I could have agreed to be the girlfriend of the multiple men who have tried to convince me. But I walked away from every offer because it would have been the wrong choice. If I had stayed, sure, I'd be married but I'd probably also be miserable. 

Just like owning a house, I could do it if I really wanted to because it would make me look more put together on social media, but it would actually be the wrong choice in terms of my personal happiness. 

--

Just before I turned 20 (in 2010) I went through both a romantic and platonic break-up (both on very bad terms), wasn't eating very well, was very skinny (some people complimented me on on this!), still pretending that cheerleading was a thing I was into, awkward as fuck and was wanting to leave university. I was fucking miserable. But it was this misery that led me to finally starting the slow journey of finding happiness. 

Finding that happiness wasn't a linear process. It was made up of lots of little projects and lifestyle changes. Going vegetarian, finding my own personal style, ditching shit friends, finding better friends, moving to Glasgow, and - of course - coming out as bisexual. All these things lifted me to a higher level of life satisfaction that passing my driving test first time never did (I also never drove again).

When people on Twitter were talking about what they achieved in the past decade, it was usually getting published in a newspaper, finishing their degree, getting married, having a baby, or buying their first house. While these are great things to have achieved (if these things are right for you), they are very capitalist and heteronormative goals. They are not right for everyone and no one should feel bad for not having achieved those things.

I have people in my life who struggle with health problems, some of who are legally recognised as disabled. They haven't achieved a lot of the things above as they have to battle their own mind and body on a daily basis, let alone finish a degree or hold down a job. As much as I am proud of the people in my life who have received pay rises or bought a house this year, I will always be more proud of my loved ones whose biggest success this year was just staying alive, holding down a job, or attending all their therapy appointments.

My proudest achievement in the past decade? If you've read everything I've written in the past two years you'll already know: it was coming out as bisexual. In an ideal world, learning to love myself would have never been my proudest achievement because I should have never been to feel like I had to the fact that I can fall in love with women. 

I'm closing the decade as a happy human, who is largely content with her life, who has grown to love herself and accept that she likes girls (along with boys and non-binary people). 

My goals for the next decade, and my thirties when November hits, is to continue pursuing happiness and striving towards things that feel right in my gut. Not goals that society places on me.

Isn't that what we should all be aiming towards? 
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morag | mo adore
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“I’m sorry, I’m at full capacity right now”...let’s chat boundaries in a friendship

“I’m sorry, I’m at full capacity right now”...let’s chat boundaries in a friendship




If, like me, you love a bit of the good old Twitter you’ve probably noticed a screenshot floating around of a message exchange between two friends, asking if they had the emotional capacity for a vent. Innocent enough to be honest. This tweet, however, has caused a massive onslaught of divided opinion on whether friends should be available 24/7 for a vent or if we should be more considerate about what else could be going on in other people’s lives.

The tweet originated from US-based activist and writer, Melissa A Fabello. I’ve been a massive fan of Melissa’s work for many years, so much so that I support her on Patreon and have recently signed-up (and paid) for her Writing Course. I still remember stumbling across her old YouTube videos five years ago and falling down a massive rabbit hole. In fact, a lot of her online content has helped me become the person I am - so if you’re a fan of who I am, then you’ve got to give some credit to Melissa.

To see her ripped apart across the internet has felt weird as someone who credits her work as a major influence in my life. I do not know Melissa personally and can’t give a real-world account of what she is like to be around, but I can certainly say that her work has changed me for the better. Personal feelings aside, I’m going to give my fair and balanced opinion on the meme itself, setting boundaries in relationships (both romantic and platonic) and respecting people’s mental capacity to provide emotional support.

Melissa has spoken before about asking permission from people before dropping heavy shit on them (and understanding the difference between a friend and a therapist) so to me, this tweet didn’t seem particularly out of place. It’s a little formal and dry, yes, but the point is made, and if it’s an exchange between two friends they will likely customise it.

For just under a year, I have been making a conscious effort to ask someone “hey is it okay if I rant about my body image issues/a bad date/work to you right”. I understand that people have bad days, might be in the middle of a family gathering, or might be having a mental health flair up. Sometimes things happen where people can’t be there for you emotionally, just like people can’t always show up physically for you.

I do have friends with more emotional energy to give than others. That doesn’t mean that the friends with lower levels of emotional energy are worse friends than those who have a high tolerance. I personally do have a high tolerance for emotional stuff, and it’s very rare that I feel overwhelmed by emotional topics. Saying that though, I do get under the weather sometimes and just last weekend I did find myself having one of those days where I just lay in bed and aimlessly scrolled Facebook because I hadn’t had the best week.

Despite having a high threshold for emotionally-driven conversations, my threshold for in-person chat is very low. I am very introverted and can feel socially drained extremely easily (if you know me in real life you have probably noticed that my Tweets are much more invigorating than the awkward murmurs that come out of my mouth in person). This does mean that I might not be the most socially-available friend, even if I am quite quick at responding on Messenger. I would never, however, use this as an excuse to miss an important event such as a friend’s wedding or birthday party. I’d always suck those up. But as anyone who knows me quite well cab attest to, being around people too much can bring out the cranky side of me and it’s best for the health of my relationships that I’m given physical and social space when needed.


The importance of a support network

One thing that has really helped me manage my own emotions over the years and be there for other people, has been building a support network of people rather than expecting one or two people to fulfil every social and emotional need I have. Growing up we’re usually sold the idea of having a Best Friend who will be glued to our side, and then as we get older we will find a spouse (of a romantic and sexual nature) who will then become our everything.

I threw that idea out the window a long time ago and I am much happier because of it.

Having a support network means that I have different people who can show up for me in different ways. If someone isn’t feeling okay I have other people I can turn to. For example, just last weekend I was in a bit of a state because I received a few emotional hits that week - and different friends showed up for me in different ways. I also tweeted about one of the things that happened and received some Twitter support. Support can show up in numerous ways.

When I go on dates (I know I’m not the best person to dish out relationship advice) something I look out for is “does this person have a lot going on on?” or in other words: will this person expect me to be their everything because, to be frank, they have fuck all else going on? Couples who spend every waking and breathing moment together are welcome to do so - I’m not saying that relationship style is necessarily wrong - but it does confuse me how they...cope. I know from personal experience that having a partner who is constantly there with only the odd break for work commitments brings out a less pleasant side of me.

People are not bad friends or partners if they have boundaries

A lot of responses that Melissa received were telling her that she was a bad friend. I don’t know Melissa personally so cannot comment on what it’s like to be her friend. However, I have been following her online for years and she certainly appears to have a solid group of friends and acquaintances. She also has two romantic partners who come across as high calibre (tell me your dating secrets, Melissa!). I can also say that applying the practical advice from her educational content on forming healthy friendships has improved my own friendships for the better...so I’m inclined to say that she's not an awful friend.

Here’s the thing: if you want a relationship of any kind (platonic, romantic or familial) to survive long term then you have to respect the boundaries and limitations of that person. That person is not superhuman, and they have a breaking point. Sometimes you need to check in with them to know where their emotional capacity is currently at.

It’s happened a few times where I’ve been so close to my social capacity that I need alone time for the sake of my own emotional wellbeing (and the emotional wellbeing of the people around me). I’m a fairly mild-mannered person who doesn’t have a quick temper, but anyone who has decided to ignore my requests for privacy and alone time will know what it’s like to be on the wrong side of me. I’m not kidding: when someone pushes past my social boundaries - especially when I’ve explicitly stated them and we’re not in a social situation that I need to suck up e.g. an emergency or a family wedding - it will not be greeted well and, yes, I have been known to split open emotionally and let the irritation and anger spill out.

This breaking point could have been easily avoided if the person in question had just, you know, respected my (very basic) social boundaries. Healthy relationships with minimal arguments need an element of boundaries to stay healthy. 


You’re not entitled to anyone

The conversation around feeling entitled to a romantic and sexual partner has increased over the past year or so - and that’s great! Though we’re not seeing much chat surrounding feeling entitled to a platonic partner.

Bottom line: you’re not entitled to anyone's time. Being in a relationship with someone (platonic, romantic, sexual, business or whatever) doesn’t entitle you to potentially push them towards their breaking point (which could be the reality of springing heavy chat on someone without warning, or showing up uninvited). Unless you’re a newborn baby who literally needs the adults to do everything for you, then ask permission now and then.

We, as a society, have a problem with the word no. I love the word no now but it took me years to learn to use it and to respect it when it came out of other people’s mouths. I might be all BOUNDARIES now but I also had to work on respecting boundaries over the years and meeting people in the middle. People have the right to say no to things. Including those closest to you.

Though you do need to suck it up sometimes

I never use my introverted personality to get out of social situations that are important to my closest people. Of course, I will always attend family weddings and birthdays unless there’s a very good reason to miss it (and by important, I mean an emergency, pre-booked holiday or health-related issue). But I will say no to non-important things. For example, I skipped my work’s company-wide Christmas party because, truthfully, I just didn’t fancy it. This did get a few negative reactions but I’m entitled to spend my time the way I wish and it’s not an important event that is important to someone I love.

While people are entitled to spend their time how they like, people are also allowed to decide how available they need their friends to be in order for them to feel loved. There is no right or wrong here. Personally, despite my introverted energy, I still think friendships need to have regular mate dates to last. Friendships where someone is having health or monetary problems, someone has children or care responsibilities and/or there’s a geographical difference are the exception. However, in a friendship where none of these issues apply I would expect there to be regular mate-dates.

That’s not to say every friendship needs regular mate dates or that I have some stringent Google Calendar where everyone has a regular appointment slot. Some people are happy to have digital friendships with people they rarely see (again: I do have friendships like this but it’s where there is a boundary that prevents us hanging out in real life).

As I mentioned earlier, I get second-hand stress from couples who are glued together. That’s not to say however that those relationships are wrong. For some people, a very present partner might be important. For me, it’s important that a romantic partner has a life outside the relationship.

I don’t see romantic relationships are exceptionally more important than a platonic relationship. Imagine dating someone who only communicated with your digitally and never made the effort to take you on a date? Every guide on the internet would be telling you to leave. I’m not entirely sure why friendships are different (unless of course, there’s a boundary in the way). I have a friendship where we have so much in common that we regularly see each other more than once a week, and I’ve been asked a few times if she’s my girlfriend! I think that’s a little sad that people jump to the idea that we’re a romantic couple for no other reason than we spend a lot of time in each other’s company!

But anxiety

There has been one argument against the original tweet that I think does have some weight. And that’s the argument that people with anxiety (or even just anxious personalities) might panic when they receive a message that warns them of potentially triggering content and their minds might begin racing in a thousand different directions.

Here’s my advice: talk to your friends about the way in which they like to be communicated with. You might have some friends who would prefer you straight up dish out your problem immediately with no warning, while others might prefer a warning (I prefer a warning). No one is right or wrong here; different people just have different ways in which they like to be communicated with. I, for one, am not particularly comfortable with phone calls unless it is 1) scheduled and 2) with someone I am close to. I also don’t answer phone numbers that I don’t recognise.

(On a serious note - content warning for creepy and stalker behaviour - I don’t answer my door if I’m not expecting anyone because of some creepy behaviour in my past from people who know where I live)

I also have some friends that I’m more huggy with than others. Some friends attend concerts with me while others can’t think of anywhere else. It’s called boundaries and it’s worth having a chat with your closest people about where their boundaries on certain situations and communication channels lie. And, tbh, if you’re having to drag people to events that aren’t up their street...maybe you and your friends don’t really have all that much in common.

Some people are just not well-suited to each other

It took me until my mid-twenties to really understand this, but ...sometimes it’s not that people are shit friends, selfish, or cranky bastards with no love to give….it’s that maybe...you’re just not well-suited.

There’s nothing wrong with a low-key life, but I’ve learned over the years that I struggle with building long-term relationships with people like that because I keep a busy schedule and we just don’t understand each other. I also don’t gel very well with people who are extremely loud; but being loud isn’t a character flaw, it’s just not what I naturally feel at home with. The same way that some people won’t like my quiet energy and think that I “lock myself away”. I do have to meet people in the middle on “how often should we spend time together” question but then other times friendships fall through we’re just too incompatible. We all have different needs and sometimes two people aren’t built in a compatible way. That’s okay


Different people have different needs


Some of us need trigger warnings. Some of us don’t. Some of us like relationships where we are glued together. Some people like their space. No one is right or wrong.

That goes for the now infamous tweet. Was that person wrong to ask if someone had the emotionally capacity for a vent? No, they weren’t. But is it for everyone? Also, no.

Have a chat with your friends and find out where their boundaries are. Believe me, your friendships will be better when you learn to love people in the way that need to be loved. 
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morag | mo adore
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