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© 2015 mo'adore | Content and design by Morag Lee | Powered by Blogger.

2019, hiya




Internet,

2018 was undoubtedly my best year to date.

Not because I received a promotion, moved country, married the love of my life, or had a baby. Heck, I didn't even go abroad. 2018 was my best year because it was the year where important internal feelings finally clicked into place, and I became the person I've wanted to be for so long.

The end of 2017 was a shitshow for me, even if it was a shitshow because I was finally flushing shitty people and their shitty opinions down the toilet. I cleared some toxic people out my life, which in turn led to shaking off my social awkwardness and finally coming out the closet as bisexual after 10 years (aforementioned toxic people and hiding my sexuality are interrelated). These things were liberating - and took a massive weight off my shoulders - but they were scary, especially since I wasn't convinced the toxic people would go away quietly (they did in the end, sort of) or that my true sexual orientation would be readily accepted (it was).

2018 was the year where I pleasantly discovered that the scary decisions I made in 2017 were 100% for the best. My birthday is in November, and for my 27th birthday (2017) I tagged onto to back of someone else's party because I literally didn't have the social or emotional energy to organise my own. Just two weeks after that birthday I would find out some news that would shake me and really wondered if I'd be happy again. (one of the toxic people? Let's just say their past caught up with them and they're now doing jail time if you want a measure of just how toxic we're talking).

Fast forward a year, and the night before my 28th birthday I'm crying my eyes out with happy tears. I did claw myself out and was going to be spending my birthday weekend doing cute dates with cute people who I love, who I don't doubt for a second if they love me.

And it made me realise that my former life as a incessant goal-chaser and Really Busy Person With No Energy had been caused by looking for happiness in external places. Not to sound like a Instagram caption (but I'm going to do so anyway): happiness really is an inside job.

So, this year my goals are pretty boring if I'm honest. I'm very happy with where I am right now, with only some tweaking here and there required. Okay, there is one big thing I'm planning to do this year but it's a decision I've been growing towards for about two years, and it's time to bite the bullet.

Domestic and Home Life

I've loved cooking since I was a little girl, but 2018 was the year where I finally began meal-prepping (thanks to a new fitness-friendly flatmate joining me in March). This is something I want to work on as I still can't get the portion sizes right and usually end up with five small boxes of food, which don't always fill me up. I know I don't need to actively improve at meal prepping, as this is the sort of thing that will become second nature as I cook every weekend.

On top of this, I also want to continue pushing my culinary skills in general. I'm very confident in my cooking abilities, and 2018 was a year where I attempted some complicated recipes (vegan meringues anyone?) and I want to continue investing my time in practising show-stopping dishes.

Also in the world of becoming a domesticated goddess, I want to actively work on getting on top of my cleaning routine. I'm a naturally messy person who had many fights with her parents as a teenager. Thankfully, I've become naturally tidier and hygienic as the years have ticked on, but I'm still a little negligent. In 2019, I'm looking to identify cleaning products to swear by, invest in cleaning equipment, pay attention to the details, and not be left in a position where I'm forced to go on a mad cleaning spree whenever I have a guest (or landlord) coming round.

Finally, I'm still serious about purchasing my own place. Will I do it this year? Who knows. I'm waiting to make a big decision like this in my own time. But I've identified that a key area where I can save money is by not buying gig tickets for bands I'm only a half fan of.

Style and Beauty

One of my main goals for 2018 was to invest in beauty treatments that cost a bomb, but are worth it in the long term. So far I've invested in laser hair removal along my bikini line, my first tattoo, my first professional hair cut in years, whitened my teeth every so slightly with an at-home kit, and re-vamped my wardrobe at the Blogger Clothes Swap. In 2019 I want to continue this, with more tattoos, one or two piercings, professional teeth whitening, zap every inch of unwanted hair off my body, and add new elements to my make-up routine. I want to look like a physically different person.

Social Justice and Activism

This is one area of my life where I am constantly evolving and growing - and 2019 won't be an exception. One of my goals for 2018 was to delve properly into allyship and read up on issues that don't directly affect me. I think I've done a decent job, but I know the job of an ally is keep being better every single day. I want to continue reading up on trans, class, body image, and race issues. I also want to donate more money to causes that don't directly impact me, especially charities and pressure groups that fight systematic issues.

One new goal I do have in relation to activism is to delve into the academic and radical stuff. Fluffy social justice that dominates the media has its place (as it does get people thinking) but I find a lot of mainstream content repeats what I already know, and doesn't initiate radical change. And I want to work on moving society (or at least my own social circle) past the baby stuff.

In 2018, I also worked on becoming more vulnerable. This was a weird step to take as I grew up a closed book who regarded telling her friends who she was a crushing on As A Big Deal. So to share my coming out story (and call out former friends and partners in the process) and write publicly about a sexual assault was something I never would have thought possible a year ago. But I've learned the importance of sharing your story (if you're safe to do so) and even sent a soppy message to an online friend whose openness about coming out in her late 20s made me realise that it wasn't too late to date who I wanted to. I want to remain open in 2019, and continue being vulnerable.

I also want to become more involved in the Scottish Green Party again. I've been a member since 2014, but never really found my 'place' in the party. Most members I'm friends with have a particular wing or committee that they are a dedicated member of, while I'm still only attending the yearly conferences. Like most other areas of my life, it will take trial and error to find that place.

Geek and Pop Culture

I read some of the best books of my life in 2018, and even began to develop a passive interest in poetry. I also watched several entertaining films and tv shows. And - most importantly, clearly - added to that Batgirl comic book collection. Morag still intends to be a geek in 2019, with the same geek goals as the past two years.

Career and Blogging

My career took an exciting twist in December, with restructuring at work that has worked in my favour. I'm now a well-rounded digital marketer, rather than a marketer who concentrates on social media with a bit of content on the side (which, tbh, was never my dream). I'm now looking after the buying journey across social, content, and Google AdWords for one of my employer's (high-end) sub-brands. I'm looking really forward to this, as it fits in so much better with my larger career goals than what I was doing previously.

However - and this is the big goal I mentioned earlier - 2019 is the year where I plan to make a return to (part-time) education. I'm not planning to say publicly what exactly I'm applying for as 1) I've not fully decided on which course and what institution and 2) I'm not keen on the idea of current/potential employers knowing until the course is completed. So you'll all find out in 2020 (or even 2021) what I was doing secretly behind the scenes.

As for blogging, I'm happy with where things are: my blog is somewhere I can update when I want with longform pieces, but I don't punish myself if I can't fit it in. Instagram gets the bulk of my attention, and that's where I plan to keep my focus in 2019. The only thing I want to refine is my brand/how I come across as a person.

Social Life and Relationships

It feels silly to say this now, as it really should have been obvious: but my refusal to be honest about what genders I am attracted to (and in what ways) was the same reason why I could never commit myself to someone romantically (even a man!) in a serious capacity. Since dating a girl (briefly) last spring and having been on other dates with people of multiple genders, I felt a shift happen in me: my commitment phobia was finally gone.

It feels weird to list "find a partner" as a resolution because we all know we should take time finding someone who complements us and not just pick the first suitor who shows up. But I suppose I can make a genuine effort by taking dating apps seriously and having the confidence to speak to someone who catches my eye. We'll see.

I also want to work on my platonic relationships, and make new ones. In the past 12 months I've discovered who truly cares about me and have whittled my close friends down to the people who nourish me. But I've always been one of those people who enjoys having a large social circle, and have always rejected the idea of a best friend as I don't expect one person to be able to fulfil all my social and emotional needs. I want to make an effort in 2019 to strengthen my current friendships, and maybe turn a few acquaintances/platonic crushes into actual friendships - but also, like romantic relationships, never settle and accept a half-friendship because it's easy.

Let me know what your goals are for this year. Do you have anything big planned or are you only planning a few tweaks as well?

Morag x
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